That one word

Okay, okay fine…we get it. Your life’s a mess. You’re miserable, you’re frustrated, annoyed, sad. You feel like the world is against you and everyone’s turned their back on you. So why is that? Why do you feel so drained? Oh that’s right, because your alarm didn’t ring this morning. Because your bath tab’s clogged and you had to use the shower. Because the butler made eggs for breakfast and not bacon. Because your range rover won’t start and you have to call an UBA to work. Because your rival got the promotion  you’ve been busting your ass for. Because the office coffee machine is jammed…..No, really we get it. 😆 We ‘understand’. Life’s awful….your life’s so awful you can afford a bed to sleep on, it’s so awful you can at least afford a decent breakfast. It’s so awful you have more than a pair of shoes. So awful you’ve got both feet where those shoes go, oh it sooooooo awful. November 23rd, I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, all stressed ….of course over petty issues like the Crack on my phone’s screen. Haha…sorry I can’t help but laugh at my level of ignorance. Si I got a text from a friend, but this wasn’t just any text. It was what broke me emotionally and changed me. So the friend had sent a link and a text below saying “please go read! now!” I of course said “I don’t like reading” but my curiosity got the better part of me and I opened the link. So it was Bikozulu’s page and I instantly developed interest considering how good a writer the guy is. So picture this, a girl standing in the middle of an open field, and suddenly being torn limb from limb an invisible force. You see it? …..this is exactly what was happening to me emotionally. What I read broke me down emotionally and I have never been filled with so much guilt all my life. This was the story of a female refugee who found herself in Kenya after years of unimaginable torture. You know what, torture is an understatement. One minute she was peacefully hosting members of the church in her little house and the next minute, one of the pastors and her husband are dragged out of the hut and shot before hers and her children’s eyes. Taken hostage and forced to walk for days without food, without water, without rest. Beaten up daily and Sexually abused as her children watch. Forced to cook man for a man and as if that is not enough trauma, forced to cook her own child for a man to eat. Images she can’t unsee, screams of terror she can’t unhear, the sputtering of blood she can never forget, days without a ray of sunshine under the roof of the enormous Congo forest trees. She lived certain she was gonna live this earth any minute, any day. Heck she wanted to leave this earth. All the human had been forced out of her and she became a lifeless shell, to be bathed and feed. I sat there reading this lady’s life story and asked myself so many questions. Funny how I was unable to answer them all. As humans we have become so selfish, so self-centered,  we think the world revolves around us as individuals. I miss me when I was young. I miss how I’d see a beggar in the streets and feel so sad to the point of tears. I miss how I’d dream of going to the Nairobi CBD with a big truck, pick up all the beggars and their children and take them to an exotic mansion where they’d get all they needed, including love. Funny how i thought i could buy them love. See, the beauty of a mind not moulded by society is amazing, heck it’s spectacular.  It’s…it’s…there is no word for it. Now it’s traumatizing, to see what man can do to man. We get so used to life we forget to give thanks to the Almighty  coz obviously no one is Here by their own might. All we do is ask, all we do is want, all we do is work hard for more but never do we slow down, relax, and just say this one word ‘thankyou’. This lady would have given anything just to sleep with her family in that small bed you keep complaining about. Just to share that meal you have no apetite for with her family. Just to feel the sun shine in her face again.

 

We forget how fortunate we are just to have a bright day to wake up to. To open the tap, and watch water gush out. To open the fridge and find food inside. To have a variety of clothes and shoes to choose from. To have enough bus fare daily. To come back home tired and have a bed to collapse on. To have a dad whose foot steps sends you all to your rooms. I keep complaining about how loud and controlling my mum is but you know what, I don’t care anymore coz all that matters is that she’s here. I treasure all the moments she shouts, all the times she embarasses me before my friends. ..they are priceless. Someone out there would kill to have that mum you keep complaining about, to have that old car you keep cursing at, to be able to stand on those two legs you think are ugly. I don’t know about you but I think it’s time we stop being selfish and just take a minute or two to give thanks to the Almighty. It’s time we realized it’s not normal to just sleep and wake up next morning all healthy and enthusiastic. It’s time we learned grateful living. Just take a minute, slow down, take a look around, and imagine what life would be like without your taste buds….

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3 weeks 2 delivery…

So as time goes, I realized that expressing ones feelings may not be the easiest thing to do and at some point one may need inspiration, one may need to be poked at their most vulnerable moments, in order to get them emotions out of their system, in order to free themselves of the heavy load and I gotta admit, I feel a thousand kilograms lighter, everytime this happens. Sometimes I wish I could loose wait just by releasing these emotions…hehe…so I realised the reason why I’ve been unable to write and to finish my articles is coz I keep running away from my emotions, from my reality, I keep shunning out that which inspires me, mostly coz it also terrifies me .  I find myself sited with my pen and paper, and end up staring at them the whole time. I’m staring mostly coz in my mind I’m battling it out with the reality that I don’t wanna face. Okay so lemmi not keep you in so much suspense, lemmi just say it. So, I’m officially an aunty. Yap…yes…yeah…me and all my weird, now has a niece who looks up to her. Not that I don’t have people who look up to me, heck I’ve got two baby sisters but this scares me shitless. Let’s start with how I didn’t know about this till approximately three weeks to delivery. I get home that evening and she breaks the news to me. I take it as a joke, I mean she is my sister so she definately plays lots of pranks on me. I convince myself it’s a prank, I tell her how she really got me this time and how there’s jokes I don’t enjoy. And when it hit me, it hit me hard. I found myself helping her down the stairs and into the  ehicle as tears rolled down her eyes, due to the Labour pains. I wanted to accompany her to hospital and I also didn’t want to coz I knew the journey back would be a long as lecture from the bread winners. So I stayed home, lay in bed as I a,ways do when I’m deep in thought, and just talked to HIM. I spent the next few days wondering what it would be like, having another kid in the house. Would I be forced to not attend class in order to help take care of her? Would I have to come home earlier than usual to help out with the kid? Would mum have to cancel meetings and take days off? Would I have to learn how to change diapers?  Would dad have to take up a second job in order to  pay with the pay the additional  bills? So much was going through my head and I all I wanted to do was sleep all day coz when I’m asleep,  I’m in a world where nothing exists. Only me. So I call a friend who I expect will know I’m not okay just by hearing me breath but I guess e I thought wrong. Nigga’s all Nigga’s about himself. You know that moment when you’re on the phone with a friend and you just really need them to listen and not say a word? Yeah, this was one of those moments and this nigga could not have picked a worse time to say “so my feelings for are crawling back”  okay people allow me to just yell my brains out…  

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I mean this a clear defination of the word selfish. So I just hang up the phone, and stare at the ceiling for like a whole hour just thinking of how much pain she went through during delivery, how her life has taken a drastic turn, how she will have to put a pause on a big part of her life coz she’s now a parent, she  now has another life look after. I remembered how she would advice me, how she’d tell me to be aggressive and prove everyone wrong, how she told me to live life have fun but be super careful, how she’d advice me about boys and dating and I just got confused and lost in thought. I had so many questions I needed answers to but it was kinda too late to ask. It had already happened and there was nothing much we could do about it. I gotta admit, it’s hard, it’s hard not to  cry every time I see her carrying her kid, it’s at some point heart breaking everytime I look at my dad and see the fear and shock in his eyes, it’s even more scary that now I’m the one they all watching out like hawks on a sunny high school visiting day. All I can do now is hope for the best and…just be careful. Yes I’m scared but someone told me it shouldn’t scare me, it should teach me. I know I’m trying to be brave but I take asecond deep five seconddeep breath, everytime someone asks,  “so what her name?”

Earth 2

So, I’m sure you’ve desired to have the ability to read minds at one point you’ve in life, mostly so you could find out what that girl in your class says about you, or so you could find out whether your crush feels the same way. Yeah…laugh it out, you know its’ true. (for your sake I  hope she/he feels the same way) Anyway, mine’s different. Not that I wouldn’t wanna know any of these things, believe me I would but I prefer having this gift for a whole other reason. See I wanna find out if there’s a weirdo like me out there, I wanna know if you exist, I wanna know if we can be weird together. I don’t know about you but I don’t think anyone could handle reading my mind….knowing my every thought. Oh it’s a whole jungle in there. It’s a whole other world and when I say world, I literally mean  “A WHOLE WORLD” Mine’s called EARTH 2. Yap….let’s all gaze at the moment……5……4……3……2…..1……. Okay people you can get back now!!! See, this is the world where I store my every thought, my deepest secret….my darkest desires. ‘Tourist’ from all other planets, that is except yours, come and marvel at the weirdness of my earth as if it was some gigantic pre-historic museum. I wake up everyday to cameras and interviewers in my face. This is mostly coz I have my own reality TV show. They follow me everywhere and get everything on camera, ps. ain’t nothing scripted. I sit down daily in my white robe, on my white seat and they interview me on how everything in my real life is and I spill everything so congratulations to all who’ve made my days, you’re celebrities  and wealthy socialites on earth 2. And for all those who’ve pissed me off before, you might not wanna visit earth 2… I don’t own a car on earth 2, I prefer walking and basking in my weird. I live in a small centralized, all white apartment where i can monitor everything that goes on in my head….see what I did there?…. 

…. I leave the house everyday in a white suit, white purse and sun glasses. At my door I find all my crushes since childhood begging for me to give them a chance and like every girl, I walk away like a boss enjoying the moment. Did I mention they follow me to work. Naah, I don’t need body guards… I do everything myself…I’m my own body guard. I don’t have friends there, none… I prefer not to. I hear guys complaining about the government’s way of ruling and how no one’s listening to them and it makes me mad. I walk straight into Trump’s office and give him a big ass lecture on how he’s gotta meet the citizens’ needs and as soon as I leave the building, everything’s sorted out. Everyone’s happy again. I’m never broke… no way….I win all lotteries and Jack pots that exist. All my companies make huge profits and all my business ideas work out even better than expected. And I treat myself to a kilogram of cake every evening after work. PS. I still have a flat tummy…hehehe…. I DO NOT  allow anyone to push me around or wipe their shoes on my back like they do on your earth. I set my boundaries straight and I’m so assertive it hurts. I’ve got my whole life figured out and I know where I’ll be in 10 years. And even as I bask in all this glory, even in the midst of all this perfection, I’m still afraid to love. I still find hugs nerve wrecking, I’m still afraid to look one in the eye and just and just feel feelings. I’m still afraid to let anyone in. I’m here seated in my bed, staring at my ceiling wondering what life would be like if earth 2 became a reality. What it would be like if I wake up one day, take a stroll down the streets of earth 2 and bump into him. One weirder than I am, one as scared of love as I am…will we part ways and forget or will we fear love together?

Selflessly-selfless

Everyone I tell this story to says “don’t loosed a great friendship over something so trivial” so then it hit me, I call it a friendship yet I’m the only thinking about saving it, or rather not loosing it. I call it a friendship but is it? Is it really a friendship? Is it a friendship when all you do is listen to their problems and successes as if you don’t have your own? Is it a friendship when all you keep doing is praising them like the gods they aren’t ? Is it a friendship when you’re expected to overlook their faults the same way they don’t yours? Is it a friendship when you know each other inside and out but you specifically are still trying to fit in? Is it a friendship when she’s busy ‘flirting’ with your crush, right before your eyes, like you don’t exist? Is it a friendship when you have to apologize for not hugging them first? Is it a friendship,  when you’re ever the topic of discussion, (mostly coz you leave for home when evening comes as they stay) coz of how you fell for a guy who’s too good for you? Is it a friendship when you’re moving on, when you’re trying to be a better person, when you’re finally getting shit back together and they drag you back into the same hole you’ve been struggling to crawl out of? And again I ask, is it a friendship when you know each other so well, but you still don’t fit in?….is it? I know the story of a girl who’s first love taught her so much about herself, more than she’d learnt all her life and no not by loving her but by breaking her heart.

So she’d been raised in a family where the only time she heard the words  ‘I love you’  was when watching a movie. When the only one who would hold her and hug her was the Character in her dreams. When the only time she’d feel appreciated is when she scored an A, which was quite rare. When she was so used to insults and scolding she thought courtesy was just being weird. She didn’t realise how broken her soul was, I mean she was only a kid heck she didn’t even know the meaning of the word soul.  She didn’t understand that despite everything, there’s good out there.  Despite how cruel and cold the world can be, it still has a heart. She pushed everyone who tried getting close to her away. Anyone who wanted to be her friend, anyone who gave her a shoulder to cry on, anyone who showed they care.  She was scared. She was scared coz she didn’t know how to reciprocate.  She didn’t know how to be kind, she didn’t know how to be loving, she didn’t know how to react when you tell her she’s pretty, shi didn’t know how to give hugs, heck she’d never known what a hug felt like, she didn’t know how to not disappoint and I don’t blame her, I mean that’s what had been instilled in her. That’s what she thought of herself.  And she found a way out. She decided to be stupid…or rather that’s what she thought of it. She became the comic character everyone wanted to be around but no one would get attached to. She figured this was the only way to not dissapoint those around her, which I gotta admit, was kinda clever since everyone loves a good laugh but no one would take her seriously enough to want to be her friend.

So she gets into university and finally decides to jump, to take the risk, to open up, to be a friend, and to also be more than a friend 😊. Well she had it tough initially coz she was totally not used to this but oh well, change is good…I guess. So she meets this guy and for the first time all her life, she feels like Cinderelli. She falls for him and falls for him hard, no hesitation. Love is a strong word but for the first time, she meets the one who makes her leave the house at 7:00 a.m while class is at 3:00 p.m. The one who she hugs longer than usual so his perfume can rub off on her and she can smell it as she sits in that dark spot in her room. The one who makes her loan air time just so she could hear his voice. The one she fake calls and makes up an excuse about assignments which don’t even exist just so they could talk. The one who’s faults and small weird habits, she finds pride in. And for a moment, one thing in her life feels amazing….it feels just right. And like every other horror movie, something bad just had to happen at such a good time. So she comes to school the following morning, after spending so much time with Romeo last night, and the first thing she’s told is he said “……..” he did “…….” . She is so crushed and for the first time she sheds a tear coz of a ‘boy’. Things get so awkward between them and for weeks it’s just a hurricane of mixed signals and feelings. She becomes distant and so does the guy. You could tell they both feel but they both hurt. Everyone especially her ‘closest friend’ is so involved in their issues it becomes too much and so they finally decide to talk…or rather he decides to talk to her. The funny part is where the girl who has never expressed herself, is now seated with a guy telling him how she feels and him telling her how he feels…ironic right 😂. So they talk and decide to be friends and see where it takes them but what he didn’t know was this was just her way of saying goodbye to whatever it is that they had going on. This was her saying  ‘no more than friends’. This was her making a hard choice, letting go of someone dear to her, letting go of something so beautiful. This was her making a decision to let go even though they all thought she’d give in to anyone considering the hole that’s been in her heart since childhood. It hurt her to bits and she cried every morning before school, as she had experienced her first real heart break. Seeing him everyday didn’t make it any better and neither did her ‘besties’  ever been trapped in a ditch and everytime you’re at the verge of making it out, something or in her case someone drags you right back in? She is busy moving on, only for romeo and bestie-bestie to become so tight. To hug and play with each others hair all day. To hold hands as they walked. To share secrets and spend all day together like she didn’t even exist. For bestie to keep reminding her of how he Romeo had a thing for her. For bestie to tell her how she and Romeo spent so much time together on the weekend. For bestie to tell her Romeo said he has a crush on her too. This would hurt her so much and it finally hit her,  she had meet her ‘first love’ . She’d never allow anyone to hurt her so much. She’d never made herself vulnerable in any way. She’d never learnt to love. And guess what even though she wanted to hate him for this,  even though she wanted to get back at him, even though she felt so bitter she deleted all their memories, she still couldn’t wait to see him that morning, and the next, and the next, and the next. Hehe…she also realized the sense in “ki kulacho, ki nguoni mwako”  it’s those closest to you that betray you the most. It’s those closest to you that will see you progressing, and drag you back into the same hole. She learnt to guard her heart, she learnt to love and value herself first  and even though this sounds selfish,  she learnt to prioritize herself in every way. Life may not be all about you but it still includes you. She sits down on her bed every evening and stares at the scar he left and in it she sees life, she sees  beauty, she sees her first love…